Disclaimer: Paramount owns almost all character written about in this story. I am just taking them for an a little while.

Dedicated: To CatHeights (Robin) who's done a wonderful beta on this one, and the crazy bunch at ATPS, to Elisabeth Kuijl and at last but not least to all those who reads this.

Feedback is welcomed at succubus@get2net.dk

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I guess most of it was my fault. I gave him as good as I had, poor Chakotay. Back in the Maquis, I wasn't really myself. Drunk and hurt, I pushed everyone away, even the few friends I had left. I tried to do the same thing with Chakotay from, the day I was recruited, but he was stubborn. Too stubborn for his own good. We fooled around, and I grew to care about him, really believing that something might spring from this game that, we were both playing. But in the end, he gave up trying to reach me and just left me alone.

It all went so fast from there, the capture, the trial, Auckland. My mother's sad face is actually the only thing I remember clearly from those days. The rest I guess that I have suppressed.

Then, one day Janeway was standing in front of me asking if I would help her to find the Crazy Horse in the Badlands. In return for my help, my sentence would be shortened. What did she think I would say?: "Oh, sorry. I like it too much here." Yeah right. Of course I couldn't do anything but say yes. It wasn't really as if I was going to help her that much. Just do a little bit of guiding, and then just enjoy the freedom.

Unfortunately, I regretted it the minute I stood in front of him.

Chakotay.

It hurt me to see that he was disappointed in me because he knew why I was here, or so he thought, and that was when I 'flipped'. Why did he judge me? He didn't know what had happened,. I must admit that I remember little from my days in Auckland. But what little I do remember scares me, and it hurt me to see that Chakotay, of all people, wouldn't understand how prison is like.

Harry. What can I say about Harry? The best friend I ever had. He was the first one that didn't desert me, didn't run away, once the truth was revealed. Every time I got us into trouble, he would forgive me. I miss him.

After Akritiria, Harry acted strange around me. I learned that he was embarrassed and angry--, at him and at me. He thought I should hate him, after all, he had tried to kill me. I just used my normal Paris smile and told him not to worry about me., Really, it was he, who should be worried about following me on one of my little trips and dying. He laughed at me and we quickly settled back into our little routine.

Or so I thought. There was a certain First Officer, who suddenly started acting strange around me. Chakotay wasn't his usually stone cold, I'm an ex-Maquis Captain, don't mess with me self. He began following me, smiling at me. In turbolifts, he would stand close to me and I mean really close. He was always in Sandrine's and after a while I got used to it. And so did Harry. Harry, Chakotay and me, best buddies forever, or so I thought.

It was an unusually boring day, no fun, no excitement. Four hours, flying straight ahead. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of seeing Chakotay and Harry, mostly Chakotay. I would find myself glancing back at him, loving the thought about of him sitting behind me, keeping me safe. Damn was I bored. The fifth hour was approaching, and my shift wasn't exactly getting anymore fun, and then the ship suddenly rocked. An alien vessel was firing at us, not that this was a new experience in the Delta Q. They kept on firing, and I kept on evading, just until the console blew up in my face. That hurt like hell,. I remember laying on the floor, and Chakotay standing over me, checking to see if I was okay. Then he stepped over me to get to the Conn, and then I drifted into a blissful oblivion. Suddenly, I heard Harry scream and I opened my eyes. The last thing I remember seeing was a bulkhead heading towards me and then nothing.

The Doctor's face wasn't my favorite face to awake to, but it was good to see him, that way I knew that I wasn't dead. Surely a hologram wouldn't end up in hell. I watched as Chakotay approached me with Janeway at his side. Both their faces where sad, and I couldn't figure out why. Chakotay took my hand and held it tightly and then he told me ,-- told me that Harry had saved me from the bulkhead that would have crushed me to death. Instead, it killed him. My best friend, the only one who had never deserted me, no matter what I dished out at him. It hurt, it felt like my heart was on fire and about to burn to ashes. I guess that I cried, because I felt my cheeks get wet, but other than that I was numb,. The only thing I felt was Chakotay holding me, warming me.

The weeks following Harry's death I was a wreck,. After a clean bill of health from the Doc, I went back to performing my duties. I ate, I slept, but I didn't live. My life was empty, no Harry, no long night talks. I couldn't go to Sandrine's anymore, the place bringing too many memories of him to the surface. I cried, and Paris' don't cry, I know that. My father would have been so pissed, but I really didn't care. Nothing bothered me now.

It wasn't really that Harry had died, it was the way. Don't get me wrong here, I miss him and no matter how our friendship was at the time he had died, I would miss him just as much. The thing that bothered me was that he had died for me. Me. Thomas Eugene Paris, the low life of the universe, the traitor, the failure. Why did he have to die for me, why Harry?

I was really down for a while, even contemplating suicide. and I had it all planned, but I thought about Harry and knew that this wasn't what he would have wanted.

Chakotay started coming by more often and that made me happy,. I knew he had been grown close to Harry too, after his strange behavior change and it comforted me that Chakotay would still see me.

It took me a while to figure out that he was courting me. Honestly, if B'Elanna hadn't told me, I would never have guessed. Normally I notice things like this, but with Chakotay I hadn't. Stupid me.

Soon after, he asked me on a date and what could I say, no, of course not. I looked at him, and his dimples made my heart miss a beat,. Then, he moved closer and whispered in my ear; "Wear something light and easy."

And here I am, in front of this stupid mirror, trying to find some clothes that fits. I hate my hair, unruly and rebellious. I look at my chronometer and sees that the time is 18.49, ten minutes and no close clothes to wear. Damn.

Not the End. To see how it goes from here. Read the Seduction Of Tom Paris. Chakotay's POW.

April 2000 Jeanette Kofoed.

Go on to A Gift for a Soul Mate